Keith's Wisdoms (in no particular order)

• Never mention ANYTHING about a woman being pregnant unless you actually see a fetus emerging from her.
• Ladies, spandex and crop-top shirts are a privilege, not a right.
• When the sign on the back of a woman's pants says "Guess", it is always best not to.
• Why does a "slight tax increase" cost you two hundred dollars while a "substantial tax cut" saves you 75¢?
• Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
• If Windows is the solution, can we please have the problem back?
• Friends will help you move. Real friends will help you move bodies.
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• A MUST READ supposedly from Andy Rooney
• If you can't be a good example, then at least serve as a horrible warning.
• Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
• Try saving all of those prepaid envelopes that Credit Card companies send you, and send them back all of your trash papers and coupons. Let them pay to dispose of the trash. Hopefully they will stop sending so much crap by mail!
• Mess with telemarketers, don't just hang up on them. When they ask for somebody, say "Yes, just a minute, let me go get him/her", and set the phone down, but ensure there is background noise (like the TV) so they know you haven't forgotten them. Keep coming back every so often and ask who they are holding for and start over. See how long you can keep them on the line. Remember, if they are waiting, they aren't making sales!
• No matter how perfect she seems, no matter how much you like her, no matter how much your family likes her, no matter how much your friends like her ... somewhere, some place, someone is TIRED of her shit!
• Women are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken, and those that aren't taken are handicapped.
• Helpful Things
• When life deals you lemons, make lemonade ... and then go looking for somebody that life dealt Vodka!
• No matter HOW nice it looks, NEVER tell a woman that she has a "Phat Ass".
• You can continue to vomit long after you've run out of things to throw up.

Last Update: October 19, 2006